Although I know in my heart of hearts I am not really ready for full blown romance per say, I do miss men in my life. I mean my friends are great. They make me laugh, I have wonderful conversations and everything cool that goes along with friendships, but I’d be remiss in saying I miss having a man around. I miss the conversation, and the innuendos. I miss a nice intimate dinner. Flirting. Dressing up for someone. And yes, SEX.
I just don’t want to fall in love. Yet. I don’t want that commitment. Yet. My mind is giddy and perhaps falsely prepared, gearing up for Spring love like a twitter-pated Thumper, while my heart is still frozen in fear. My heart wants to do a beat down on my overly chipper mind.
My well-meaning friends, both male and female urge me to get out there. Get back on that proverbial horse they say. Unfortunately they forget the fact that in real life and in proverbial situations – horses terrify me.
I think the limit for sympathy on a broken heart expires 90 days after the fact with most friends. Then the urging and pushing and suggesting starts to happen. I feel like a lawnmower who has been garaged for the winter. Maybe it’s too soon I say as someone is grabbing and ripping at whatever that cord is that starts my motor. A tad frightened, but with a bit of perserverance I head out there. Sort of.
What I am doing is looking (with my eyes wide shut) at websites.
I started off with eHarmony because honestly it felt the safest to me. Their nice little religious theme (even though I have nary a religious bone in my body – well maybe one) gives me a super false sense of security. These are Pray-ers, not Players something in the back of my mind must have suggested. (My mind is like a cheap Vegas act, with bad veal for dinner.) The fact that one has to “Pay to Play” also reinforces that false flooring beneath my feet. Everyone knows that sleaze bags are inherently cheap, so my now protective, religious, expensive bubble keeps me invisible to their beady eyes and prodding thoughts.
The fact is, getting back into the dating world as a nearly 50 year old single woman terrifies me more than the sleazebags mentioned above. Joining the nunnery of all singles websites protects me about as much as a 12 year old choir boy in a Catholic church. Ouch, did I say that out loud? Ba-da-dum-bum. I’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitresses folks.
Honestly, in a less dramatic manner I chose EHarmony in almost an eenie-meenie-miney-moe fashion, but there was this sense that perhaps I wouldn’t get hit on too much, and if I did, I hoped it would be by nice guys. And so far my self-prophecy has paid off. I’ve talked with a few thru messaging and one on the phone. Some look great on paper, but I am having a hard time feeling attracted towards their pictures, or in an about face measure I am attracted to their pictures, but on paper there is nothing.
So far, I think I sort of like those barriers. I can tell myself I am trying, without really having to try. I can dip my foot into the pool without the hassle of getting my hair wet. Because although the scar around my heart is healing very nicely (as scars go) when push comes to shove, the truth is I am nowhere near over Him. Maybe enough to date, but nothing near enough to seriously consider anything. Which, technically, isn’t that every guys dream? A woman who wants no commitment?
So with all of this being said, I know the reality is I shouldn’t be on a dating website. Logically, I know that. But with the boredom, and the loneliness I ask– can’t I at least window shop? Can’t I just peruse the stock and see what make and model I might like IF I were ready? Cause that is exactly what I am doing. I am trying on shoes with a maxed out credit card.