Let’s Play the Family Feud!

I retired all of the online dating profiles. I actually did this more than a month ago. I tried two of the majors; one a pay site, one a free site. The third was a quirky one I found by accident and figured I’d give it a month. That third one didn’t have a chance, because by then my enthusiasm for the online dance had hit an all-time low. I think Prince Charming himself could have come thru and I would have had though “Ehhh, his teeth are too sparkly and his eyes twinkle a bit too much.”.

There was a lot of game playing online, and I joined without knowing the rules. Like how when you are having a great conversation with someone for days and they seemingly drop off the face of the earth, it means they’ve met someone else, but aren’t closing the door on anything else quite yet. People lie about their relationship statuses, and their looks, and you don’t gain extra points for being honest on yours.

It was exhausting.

At the very end I did meet someone very nice. He was funny, could spar sarcastically with the best of them. He was smart, and had a good job. But truth be told, the timing was so far off. I just didn’t care enough anymore to put any effort into it. It’s sadly ironic how I could see him being played by me, in the same manner I had been played by others. Dodging phone calls, texts coming less frequently, or sparser in communication.

I knew then and there these profiles had to go. I had hit the Online Wall. I wish I could say I was upfront and honest and explained to him, but I didn’t. I just sort of did what I do, which was to slowly back away, until I could in theory say “Sorry I didn’t hear/see you!”. I couldn’t exactly say, “Sorry I’m too lazy and tired to put anything into this, and I am going to dodge your calls and texts for a bit until you eventually go away. Hope you understand.”

Last night I watched the Game Show Network with my daughter and her boyfriend. They have both recently discovered Family Feud and are very enthusiastic about. You remember this show from one version or the other. “Good answer, good answer!” clap,clap,clap! I think even Louie Anderson hosted for a bit. My version was the original with Richard Dawson. The show hasn’t changed much except that the comedian, Steve Harvey hosts it now.  I’ll hand it to him that he does a pretty good job with the deadpan face on some of the answers. Infuses a little humor into it.

I’m decent at the game. It was decided that as a family I’d crumble under pressure for the Fast Money, or whatever the end game for the big dollars is called. I stall under pressure and need more time to think. But I’d be well enough to play the regular rounds. My daughter is great. But I had them all when the question that came up was, “Name the top excuses a man uses to explain why he never called the girl back!”

Let me just say I killed at that category. Using the skills honed from men who have dodged me, to my own way of dodging others, l would have gotten us to the Big Money at the end, all on my lonesome with that one.

I’m not bragging. In fact I’d like to be a little more honest, and a lot less afraid of hurting feelings. That’s really what it boils down to for me. My point is what comes around goes around, and the “He is Just Not That Into You” can play gender swap roles.

Saturday night I went out with a group of friends. We saw a concert, and then headed to a local bar. I’m pretty good at meeting strangers and making them instant friendly acquaintances, and with our group needing a table, and this lone couple at a large table by themselves, I made it the opportunity to make friends and garner a seat. We all got along very well, very fast.

Did I mention at this festival there was a lot of beer drinking? I was feeling pretty good, when the new couple came up with this fantastic idea of setting their friend up with me, so we could all do the River Regatta.  

First I’m hesitant about blind dates, and let them know. Second, I’m too lazy to date anyone remember? They persisted. They gave me a brief description on him which didn’t sound too bad, but the red warning light that should have gone off was that they kept telling me how rich he was. Using Rich to describe a guy, is like using Big Boobs to describe a girl. We all know there is a dragon feature that we aren’t being told about. No matter how much I pushed on the income not mattering, they pushed back. It was my cue to run. But beer not only makes me happy, it makes me a little stupid, and I’ve always wanted to do the Regatta, so I hesitantly gave them my number for him to call me. We all agreed worst case, I could make a new friend.

He texted the next evening and the conversation moved smoothly enough. He was nice. Couldn’t argue that. Almost like a nice scoop of vanilla ice cream on a hot day is nice. No sparks whatsoever. I left opening lines for the conversation to go deeper, but he was all about getting the surface stuff over. Question after question. It was eHarmony via text. Eventually we hit my established hard limit #1. I could have called it then and there, but life is about compromise. Then hard limit #2, and to be honest I had already compromised on #3 so this was all about what was behind The Physical Door. I’d be lying to say that I am not at least this *holds fingers apart* shallow. I mean, maybe I could deal with all the rest of this if …..

He sent the pic and my jaw dropped. Then my lips tightened a bit, and I thought inwardly (‘cause really I was home alone and I couldn’t spit the words out) “I was fucking duped!” I know I will lose majorly pre-earned karma points here, but no. No, no, no. We all know that there are limitations on attractiveness, and yes he is probably a really sweet guy, but – No. Just No.

I am secretly reinstating the 3 Hard Limits as my Get Out Of Jail Free card with this guy. You know, “I’m sorry but I don’t date guys who …..”. I just have to figure out to politely do so, because we come back to the whole, I hate to hurt feelings – and we could always be friends.

Or I could, — well, old habits and all. Plus I just remembered, I think I have plans the weekend of the River Regatta.


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