I think one of the hardest initial obstacles to overcome when I first ventured out into online dating was perfecting that online profile*. I am trying to sell myself to a bunch of nameless, faceless men — in a period of about 60 seconds. Too longwinded? I’ve already alienated nearly half that are probably finding me too complex and chatty. Too sparse? Now I’ve alienated the other half who have found me dull or dim-witted. I like to think that of all those profiles coming my way, I would really only find about 1% of them to fit the criteria of what I am looking for, and vice versa. The other 99%? I’m just pandering to the masses at that point. I’m taking this God awful huge fishing net and pulling in everything; tons of garbage, license plates, old tires, and 3-eyed fish that I have absolutely no interest in, just to find that teeny tiny golden minnow.
One of the first rules I had to re-impose upon myself simply for my own peace of mind was never, ever compare my profile to other women. Ever. In fact don’t even look. The main site I dealt with didn’t even give you the option to check out the competition, and I preferred it that way. Otherwise, I will peek. I am the proverbial Pandora. I may say I only want a glimpse to make sure I am doing things right, but give me an inch and I will take a mile. And then once I get going on that comparison treadmill? I will spend way too much time editing what I already spent too much time trying to create. “Oooohh, the format of that intro was witty, let me try that something like that!” Or maybe a slice of that zaniness and then maybe a smidge of that sexy over there. I might recall after reading this, that I forgot to list my favorite movie, or that I am not really into cats, – until BAM! – I have this discombobulated profile that in no way, shape or form ever resembles who I am. In theory I mean well – I absolutely never plagiarize, but I start becoming what I think the masses want. It’s like a chocolate chip, cheesy quesadilla, covered in biscuits and gravy, topped with peanut butter and pizza. Just tooo much.
I end up editing and whittling and pretty much leaving with what I started. It’s like a trip to Ikea.
It would be of no surprise to anyone who knows me that my profiles tend to be a tad on the —- lengthy side. Just a tad. So I have to be careful. But I do think I’ve come up with the best format that works for me. It’s simple. It has to have sarcasm, because to know me, is to love a good form of mockery. I look at it like this; If you don’t get sarcasm, I can tell you out the gate we will have nothing in common. Everything else is just the candy coated outside.
Which is part of the problem. We are all just the candy coated outsides when we do this online. Our best picture(s). Our best personality features. None of the small things that could drive a person batshit. Or make a person question your health, mental or otherwise. What I sort of think there should be? A section that showcases some of your flaws. Or weirdness. Or that thing that could make or break the deal. Out the starting gate. Cut thru the bullshit, and show me what happens on date 4, or after month two. Or whenever the mask starts to drop a tad and we let the small things out. Maybe not every bad thing, but let’s scratch the surface shall we?
For instance, I state I love movies. Rom/Com’s. Dramadies. But what I fail to mention is that I tend to whisper/chatter my way thru them. But I hate when anyone else does it.
I do state that laughter is a big deal for me (and it really truly is – but really? Who doesn’t like laughter?) and I do admit that if you get hurt I’ll probably laugh after getting confirmation that you are okay (I say this to let you know that I am also a Sadist), but I fail to state that I hate to be laughed at when I hurt myself. Which is pretty difficult, because ….
….I am also the biggest klutz you will ever meet. Like embarrassing klutz. Like, “Is that chick drunk? No, that’s just Gina, she’s always walking into walls/tottering over”. I also tend to drop things onto — or simply slam — my very tender toes into furniture/walls/shopping carts constantly and when I do…
… I swear like a sailor. Wait, that’s not true. I think sailors are probably a little more polite than I am. You don’t want your mother, grandmother or children around when this happens.
I am also a hypocrite about the fact that I don’t eat meat on a bone, (and it’s not a trendy girly thing, I just think the grossest things are still attached to the bone) but there are two caveats and those are if a).I am starved and there is nothing else or b). you make the best smoked ribs and then suddenly I am so full blown carnivore you’ll fear for your safety.
I love bacon as do most people these days (when did bacon become a trend?) but what I don’t tell you is that if you keep cooking it, I will keep eating it. I have no off-button when it comes to bacon consumption. I believe in Bacon Tax, to be paid – to me, in bacon. I will even eat yours if you do not guard it. Without shame either. Bacon to me, is the Doughnut to Homer.
Most people will state that they like games. While I am not a gamer, if you involve me in any sort of board or card game I will play it like my life (or yours) is at stake. I won’t cheat, but I’ll do everything else in the book. This may include guns, poison, or mental manipulation that will make you think suicide was your idea all along. In other words I hate losing. I’m not a poor loser, unless you are a poor winner, and then I am like the Honey Badger.
I’ve been known to be a cheese-throwing bitch when my blood sugar drops. I don’t know how to edit myself at times, and I blurt out whatever it is I am thinking. Sometimes I am thinking, but *I* think it’s funny. Sorry that you didn’t. I hate one worded texts. I have a tendency to be very naïve, because I believe what is told to me. Oh and I tend to leave my shoes everywhere.
Something tells me if e-fucking-harmony added a Flaws section where we could see each other for who we really are — we might be closer to really finding that soul mate who falls in love for all the right reasons.
*I am a perfectionist when it comes to writing, and given the opportunity I will spend my entire life editing the one same paragraph, over and over and over and over again. I have to finally just walk away, because there is always a better way to do it.