Apparently when I write at times, what I think I am conveying, and what I actually convey are two different things. I think it’s based on me writing from the heart and not the head. My head says I am being flippant or sarcastic, and my heart whispers something deeper. Something darker at times. I didn’t think that yesterday’s post was dark. I was told by a few it was. Heavy with a dash of humour.
It makes me wonder if perhaps I am not as healthy or happy emotionally as I think I am. I really try to stay out of my head as much as possible. My head can be a deep dark cavern with lots of loop-de-loops that take me in areas I don’t need to dwell with one wrong turn. On the surface though, I feel good. For the most part. I’m relatively happy with where my life is at. I’m not in a relationship for the sake of being in one. I have a social life that doesn’t overwhelm me. I have a job that pays me decent wages. I have friends that love me and two wonderful daughters. Tangibly I have all of my needs met.
Isn’t that where I should be? I mean sure I have darker days. I can dwell on the things that others have and compare myself. And I do. I can place my personal meter up there and think I should be at a different level. I can worry about aging and being single. I can lament about the job not being what I wish it could. Money could be a bigger issue (oh denial how I love the on that one).
But then I look around. I AM healthier than many. I KNOW this. I AM happier than many, I know this too. Is a struggle that everyone has? Comparing themselves to the next level that they think they should be? An interpersonal keeping up with the Joneses? Am I denying a loneliness that my heart speaks of and head denies?
I guess ultimately I can’t answer this. I have to go with what I know. Or what I think I think I know. Ultimately; if tomorrow things ended with me, would I feel I lived a fulfilled life? Would I say I achieved all my dreams and goals? Maybe in a back door weird kind of way, but the answer would be yes.
I’ve known deep love, both giving and receiving. I’ve known mind-blowing lust. I’ve known personal accomplishment. I’ve known mothers love with a deepness I cant even begin to articulate. I’ve known betrayal, loneliness, hardships and pain. I am grateful for the dark because it makes me appreciate the light moreso.
So while at times my heart may write a tad darker than my happy-go-lucky head thinks it is at, I’m good. I don’t have all the answers, but that’s what makes my particular journey so worthy.
Now I’m going to go get my bake on. Literally. Christmas cookie time.