I’ve never been good at dealing with letting people down. I’m a people pleaser and while that has its benefits, it most definitely also has its drawbacks. I’d make a shitty doctor or nurse if I ever had to deliver a bad prognosis, a horrible casting director, because I’d want to hire everyone, and an even worse human resources rep if I had to fire or lay someone off. If it’s bad news I have to deliver, even microscopic bad news, I scamper. I hide. It’s sort of ironic actually, because to meet me, one would never guess this about me. My aggressive side screams, “Get offa mah property!”, but the inner gentler me hates to inconvenience or hurt people.
Where this pains me the most is not my love life, although yeah I’ve probably had my share of dates that I didn’t want to go on, but I waffled so much that it was just easier to say yes. And dare I say it, but yes I’ve had pity sex at least once. The reality is that it seems to affect my personal life more than my love life. Especially in personal business. For instance, I’ve said several times how I was going to give my hair dresser “one more chance”. I have a love/hate with how she colors my hair. I love it when it’s done, but often weeks later I have complaints. But the idea of firing her is too much for me. Going to someone else makes me feel like I am cheating on her, and since we live in the same complex, the possibility of running into her runs high. “Heeyyyy – yeah,…Umm … Hiiiiiii, — howareya?” I can see myself saying very uncomfortably. “This?” I would say, pulling at a large at a section of my hair. “Yeah, it’s strange, my hair just sort of started to highlight itself, and go blonde on its own. Soooo weird, right?”. The truth is I like her, and that plays into things. And like I said I love how I look and feel when I leave. So I pay her gobs of money, even though I am not always completely satisfied. It’s good sex without the big O. I don’t hate it, but I’m not happily exhausted afterward. It’s like an okay relationship that I know someday I will get out of, but for now it suits the purpose.
Right now I am looking for a handyman – something I probably shouldn’t have delved right into after bitching about orgasms – but I digress. I need someone to do honey-do’s around the house that I either cannot do, or simply do not want to do. It’s mostly the latter. The fact is I CAN climb a ladder and change the light bulb in my 8-9 foot ceiling, but it makes me dizzy and I have this overly active imagination that has me visualizing myself sprawled out in a very “limbs-aren’t-supposed-to-bend-that-way” kind of fashion, with no one around to help. I also have the tools and wherewithal to get under the sink and change out the bathroom fixtures, but I don’t have the motivation, which let’s be honest is really more of the main problem than anything. I think that I was royalty in a previous life, because I can only consider, “Surely there must be a commoner out there that would be willing to do this for a few copper shillings!”
While I am certain that neither of the handymen I contacted would like being called a commoner, or be paid with shillings; copper or otherwise, it’s how I think. I have friends who suggest we do it ourselves and I whine, “Whhhyy, when I can pay someone else to do it for me?” As if along with the attitude, I also have this royal coffer that can afford to pay for it.
In looking for a handyman, like any other service, I know logically I should call around. Get quotes. Compare services. I called one. He came highly recommended. He sounded nice enough on the phone. Like my hair dresser, he mostly fit the bill. But as got talking and I asked if he worked weekends (he doesn’t) or nights (he might be able to)– I already hear myself saying that maybe I can leave work early … Acquiescing myself to another even though I am the employer! He asked me to work up a list of what I need done and call him back tonight. I agreed, sort of feeling like I do when I get my hair done. But I told myself, that was it. I called. I found one. Outside of paying for services, my job here is done.
Life doesn’t work that way for me. It likes to challenge my weaknesses. This morning I woke to a message thru Facebook (where I had originally posted looking for one on my community page) about another guy. Highly recommended as well. I gave him my number and he called immediately. Bonus points there. He can do evenings. In fact he suggested we get together and go over what I need. He charges the same as the other one. I agreed and was happy, until I recalled – the other one. Oh damn. I am supposed to call him tonite with my list. I might have to tell him — *gulp* — no. That I found someone else. I might have to reject him.
I know this sounds ridiculous. I know what I should do. I call him and tell him that I am comparing services, prices, and availability blah blah blah. That I am meeting with another guy and that I will get back with him soon. That’s sort of a given. But go back to the first paragraph and read my flaws. “I’d make a horrible casting director, because I would want to hire everyone…”. I’m afraid I’ll call this guy in the end I’ll give him some work, and the other guy some work, and then everyone has work, and VOILA – everyone is happy!
The scenario I like more is that I could hire my royal ass some people. As in “Have my people handle this, and have them thank him generously for his services.”, because really and truly I am a like a cheap folding chicken suit.
Here is the reality. Taking a page from my past love life, I just don’t call him back. Period. I burn that bridge and then hope beyond all hope that guy #2 works out.
Yeah I’d never hold any kingdom’s crown for long with attitude’s like that.