In passing one of the few rather attractive men in my office today, and simply thinking how eye-catching he is, it dawned on me; For the first time in as long as I can recall, I have no Crush. It’s like when I turned the valve off with dating, I accidentally tightened the spigot a little too forcefully.
I have had a Crush for as long back as I can recall. I think it was my first foray into the pool of boy-craziness. My first one(s) were simultaneous and occurred in the third grade – and they set the scale for all future men and boys. One was as tall dark and handsome as a third grader could get and didn’t even know I was alive I suspect, and the other was a Joe Cool blonde, but would smile at me from time to time. Neither knew I loved watching them, and that my little 8 year old heart would skip a beat whenever they were in the same room with me. I don’t recall one iota of conversation with either of them, I just remember getting that inward fan girl when I was near them.
I moved soon after, and didn’t really have a true crush again til sixth grade. To this day I can recall the heartbreak when I found out he liked someone else. I cried the entire way home, and wouldn’t look at him for weeks. I understood years later that sometimes a Crush can literally crush you. But I bounced back relatively quickly, and perhaps because of that middle school devastation, I was a bit more hesitant with who I chose to crush on. Ahh hell who am I kidding? I’ve never been careful about anything to do with men.
Regardless, a crush for me is very different than a relationship interest. They are typically very harmless (I did have one that was unhealthy and played itself out in an emotionally destructive way. Ouch.), and very rarely bloom into anything more than my heart skipping a little beat and a beam of happiness when I see them. I quite often have a crush on one, while being in the throes of love or lust with another. The two are intertwine able and are on completely different scales. I usually target crushes that there is zero chance with. They are generally too old or too young, married or taken, geographically undesirable or simply just nothing more than a friend. Some I might see daily, until the crush turns into more of a deep fondness (I’ve had several of those). Some I might only see a few times a year, at a party or some other social event. It doesn’t matter. It only matters that it’s indescribably yummy. I’ve even had online crushes.
Crushes make my heart smile. They inject happiness into my day. They are that sweet jam I rarely eat, slathered all over a wonderfully warm and perfect piece of toast. They are that delightful little flirt that means something and nothing all at once. They are those first bubbles of champagne that tickle your nose and then your brain. In a nutshell, they are absolutely intoxicating. It’s that perfect combination of charm, and intelligence and laughter, and chemistry. They cannot be forced, nor can one set out to seek a crush. The magic is that they just happen. It might be someone I’ve known for years, or someone I’ve just laid eyes on for the first time.
While I have no qualms about the single life, I can say that I dawned on me today that do miss that little crush feeling. That tiny little high.
Maybe it’s time to loosen the spigot just a tad.