So this weekend had me semi-laid up – I guess more housebound than anything — with some sinus/semi-migraine issues. The upside to this was we were having horrible humidity thanks to Hurricane Delores, and staying home watching the storm come down was sort of comforting. The downside was the wretched humidity, and missed social plans. I love humidity about as much as a cat loves a bath. By Sunday my baby fine hair looked like I had stuck my finger in a light socket. Fortunately I wasn’t going anywhere so it was a sight I only shared with my daughter and her boyfriend.
During my downtime I decided to finally put forth the effort of trying online dating again. I have been thinking on it for the past month or so, and outside of being extremely work busy I hadn’t a real reason.
I figured I will give a pay site another try, but before that I wanted to get my feet wet, so I reactivated an older freebie account. The last pay site was an absolute dismal failure. First it tried to set me up with my arch work nemesis, repeatedly – that was good for a few laughs, but after a while I figured if that was the best it could come up with we weren’t seeing eye to eye on what I was looking for. So with the free site activated and the pictures updated, let me just say that the first 48 hours provided a decent amount of entertainment. Some predictable, some not so much.
Initially my profile attracted a lot of attention. It’s the New Meat theory I figure. Those on there are so sick of seeing the same profiles over and over again that something new is immediately appealing. I was the piece of steak in a piranha pond. As I figured, it tapered about as quickly as it started up.
Initially were those who are generally brave enough to come forth and let me cut my teeth on them. I like to call those The Sacrifices.
The Sacrifices come in fast, but not strong. They should be called The Semen, because it’s as if they feel their initial speed will make up for their lack of social cues. It’s extremely difficult to get a conversation going with someone who starts the conversation off with one word: “Hi.” – Ummmm … hi?
No sooner does word get out that The Sacrifices were bombing, than The Young Ones come out to play. In droves. Jesus, there are a lot of those. After last year’s foray with the Catfisher, the young ones make me nervous. Usually. There was one who slightly piqued my interest Sunday afternoon. By slightly I mean enough for me to pick up my phone and respond to him. Suspicion surrounds him because of the deeds of other young ones, but I like that he didn’t come on to me. I like the idea of another boy toy, but It was literally just conversation. Of course during this convo I had to ask my daughter ‘What does “WYD”, mean?” Later she told me if I have to ask these questions, they are too young for me. She is probably right.
The most amusing one I have had though? The Fighter
Oh my what a feisty little fuck-head he was. His intro was somewhat ordinary. He didn’t start off with the “You’re beautiful” line, which is so overplayed it means nothing. It’s not me being vain, nor me being insecure – it’s just simply so overused that it absolutely holds no weight. In not doing so I was at least willing to look at his profile. The first thing I noticed was his area. So Cal is notorious for their freeways, and some are more of a no-go than others. When I see you live in an area that would require me traversing this freeway I almost immediately cut you off as GU. I’d rather date someone who lives twice the distance than travel this freeway. But I figured a little conversation wouldn’t hurt. Physically he wasn’t my type, but to be honest he wasn’t abhorrent. I wished he had more than just the one pic up, but with the location thing already against him, I think I was just looking to be polite and at worst gain a moment or two of conversation.
Within minutes he was asking to meet me. I wasn’t certain if he was joking, but I made it pretty clear that was moving a bit too soon for me. We continued talking but every once in a while we would hit a huge pothole, and everything would sort of fly up in the air and scramble. Soon after, the hilarity-turned-shit-storm started. The conversation was lagging. Not in words between us, literally lagging. I would answer his question and it would show up three comments later. Pretty soon we were completely entangled, not knowing what the other one was saying, etc. Me apparently moreso than him. I scrolled up at one point and it genuinely looked like he was saying his goodbyes. One of those, “Well it’s been nice chatting…” But I hadn’t seen it, and kept going with more inane chatter. After reading that, I felt bad, and ironically thought I was being polite by letting him know it was cool if he had to go. But instead it kind of came off like:
Him: …. and then I said, “You’ve got to be kidding —
Me: BYE! BYE NOW! BYYYYYE!
He read it even worse.
Me: BYE. GO. GET THE FUCK OUT. BUHBYE!!!!
So he called me out on it. He LOL’d which I assumed was his way of probably shaking his head and then he called me … rude. Me. The one who had politely had this conversation with someone who not only was I not particularly attracted to, but also found completely GU, and a little too aggressive. I was floored. I was going out of my way to be nice, and I got called rude. Honestly I think I prefer Bitch to rude, because I really go out of my way to be polite. So I told him I was shocked, and that it seemingly came out of nowhere, and I felt he was the rude one.
And then he got insulting. He said it made sense why I hadn’t ever been married. That one didn’t really sting as much as the rude comment, but the kid in me felt betrayal because he had pushed the “how long has it been since you were divorced?” thing, even after I answered that my last relationship ended two years ago. (But how long since you were divorced). I guess being stupid enough to marry and divorce beats being smart enough to NOT marry in the first place. Divorce says someone once loved you and then didn’t. Not married says — what? You were never loved? Ha!
Anyway when he threw that lob, I naturally and angrily lobbed back at him, telling him he was really showing his class now, and then in the same manner said it made sense with a temper like his why he hadn’t had a relationship in nine years.
Hey, he started it!!
Seriously. Two grown ass adults, both looking for something – some sort of connection in life and in 30 minutes or less we are down in the dirt verbally wrestling one another like 7-year olds. He ended it by exclaiming like a true 7-year old, “And you’re FAT!” which I answered with a “Hahahahahahahhaa” because I realized where this had gone. Really? That’s is the best you’ve got? There were no pictures to back that comment up, he was simply aiming for what he felt was a common Achilles with most women. I cocked my insult gun ready to go off on him, (because despite the fact I’m not proud of it, I can shred a person to smithereens in a verbal insult duel) aimed and —- let it go. I blocked him and that was that. I knew it was the right thing, and my daughter had walked in the room and confirmed it. I wouldn’t have felt better afterwards. Ok, I would have. But it would have been a fleeting feeling.
I was between mock outrage and absolute hilarity that in less than 24 hours I had my first … what do you call this? A Catfight? – Whatever it is, I was shocked it happened. It had never happened before. Not even close. I went back thru the conversation and immediately saw the gaps and missed messages between us. An answer here, a statement there – and it made a bit more sense on how he assumed me to be rude. I almost felt a little bad. ALMOST. The truth is nothing shows a person’s true colors as quickly as an online snafu, and for that guy to go for what he hoped was the jugular because he felt (incorrectly) he had been treated rudely was a Godsend.
As for me? I’ve taken a new approach to things up a bit. For one, I don’t answer a message that is clear the sender hadn’t read my profile. Sometimes it’s not so clear, sometimes it’s abundantly clear. Asking me if I am single? Abundantly clear. Second is cutting them off at the start if I can see there is no attraction. I used to be super polite, and while I believe in that still, it can get old fast, as you duck and weave their advances. And sometimes that can turn into the above mentioned, or so I’ve learned now.
I’ll be honest; I’m worried that I am treating this more as research or fodder for a blog, than truly putting in the effort to find what it is I (say, I) am looking for. I know my answerbacks are not coming across flirty and cute. But to be fair, I am not really getting anything I feel flirty or cute with.
What I need is something believable and witty, with a slight edge and a flair for sarcasm. I may hold my breath until that happens.