I am anxious for this work day to end. I head for Vegas in the morning, and it’s pretty much all I can think about. I need this. Not the gambling or casinos. Or the nightlife. Or the Renaissance Faire the following day. I just need time to lose myself. To sort of gulp in the nothingness that Vegas has to offer. No over-thinking things. No work issues. No man issues.
I need to completely cut the cord on this man from the past thing. In some ways it’s consumed me. I have veered completely out of control, and not always in that good way. In some respects it’s been very, very good, in a very, very bad way. Old habits die hard. We … talked briefly last night, and with no fault towards him, after the conversation I just felt dirty. Not a good lustful dirty. I’m all for dirty in a good way. It wasn’t one thing specific either of us said. It just felt very “Give-me-your-quarter-and-watch-the-peep-show”.
I decided at that moment I cannot meet him as scheduled. It’s not for weeks, and there isn’t even a firm date, just sometime after I come back from Mexico. But why we were going to meet before and why it feels like we are going to meet now has diverted 180 degrees and I’m suddenly not 100% comfortable with it. I can’t be that person, no matter how badly I want to taste this guy. Figuratively and literally.
Our initial conversations were like digging for treasure. Most of the stuff was pretty bland fill-in-the-blank kinda stuff, but once in a while a post would come thru and it would be BLING and hit the right emotional, mental or sexual spot and WOW. It had me swallowing hard on how huge of an effect he seemed to have on me. It had been such a long time since I allowed anyone to have that effect on me. Now they seem to be very routine “Hello-Goodbye” or just going there. It’s like being fucked without foreplay.
This isn’t me blaming him. Not at all. This is me blaming me. I am walking into a land-mine knowing this, and for reasons I cannot even be honest enough to admit to myself. This is just wrong, and I need to wrap my three year-old acting brain around it and GO.
The thing is, I get all resolved to walk, and then my extremely over-inflated ego takes over. Sometimes I feel like my ego is the size of the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters, with about the same mental capacity. All large and looming and blundering down 5th Avenue with that huge vacant smile. The only words it’s capable of saying is EAT ME. Or maybe FEED ME. Anyway, my point is – I’m okay with walking away from this (or so I have repeatedly told myself) until I hear nothing from him. Then suddenly it becomes a WTF? Stay-Puft says FEED ME, and there I am back on this obsessive hamster wheel again. It’s fucked up.
I want more. There I said it. Not from him. He is really just this way of looking at my past thru the bottom of a Coke bottle. It’s distorted and I can make it what I want. But the truth is I can’t relive it. I can box it up, and be grateful that I was able to go back, make the repairs that were needed and leave it at that. No need to muck it up further.
No, I think when I say I want more that I mean I want something that offers more than what he could offer. I’m not willing to admit the “R” word (relationship) because that just makes me skitter back like I almost stepped in lava. But I am willing to do more than slam the door on any and all prospects.
I believe everything happens for a reason. Perhaps him coming back into my life was to — reheat the leftovers. Weird analogy I know, but with him being someone from my past, it feels appropriate. I feel like a pot that has been left on the turned-off burner for a while. Someone has turned a very low heat on, and it honestly feels sort of good. I suddenly feel a lot more fluid.
Of course no sooner did I complete this blog and got the popcorn jingle on my phone to alert me of email. It’s him….