The Beast Within

Gross Beast

I was sitting here writing a blog on what type of people we attract when my confidence took this huge weird slow-motion Godzilla like blow and I am completely off track on that subject. So I am switching gears, and will save the attraction blog for another time.

My self-esteem of late seems to be emulating that of a professional yo-yo. There are a lot of components involved which are making it dip and fly, as well as times where it almost seems like it’s going to go low, but it bob-bob-bobs, circles back around and ends up high again.

When I think of words to describe myself I often use the word confident, but in really truly examining the inner me, I realize that’s sort of bullshit. I mean don’t get me wrong, I AM confident  — a lot of the time. Probably most of the time. But there are times when I am mirroring what others think of me, versus what I often think of myself. I’ve heard the words “she carries herself with confidenceso much, that I actually bought into it, and guess what? I really do walk with a lot of confidence. It is sort of funny, because it’s exactly what I preach about walking the walk. If you fake the walk of confidence (or happiness, or any other adjective you want to put in there), pretty soon you’ll find yourself really feeling it. So yes, I do carry myself very confident, and I’d say a good 75% of the time it’s absolutely genuine. Some days it’s a flagging 10% and others I am 99.9% certain I am the fucking bomb!

On those days when its dipping 50%  or lower, where I am so very hyper critical of myself it’s … well, it’s pretty sad. Today is hitting on that.

I’m feeling pretty good about things. I’m not so vain to consider myself the cream of the crop, but I won’t be swimming at the bottom of the lake either. I’m absolutely good with that. My confidence is just about where it should be, considering I think my age, my few hindrances, my values. I think I am pretty realistic about who I am, most of the time.

Usually, I find it’s about what is surrounding me. Literally and figuratively. A beautiful day, and my hair is just right and maybe I’m in my favorite dress, and BOOM there it is. New romance is another thing that seems to feed into it. Lust notches it up so high I need oxygen to breathe. Maybe it’s the fact that someone else finds this package desirable that makes me appreciate what I have. I’ll have a little more kick in my step. I know when push comes to shove some will find me attractive, and some won’t. I mean it works that way with most people, right?

But to be honest, sometimes the smallest things can set it off. I can start a day off feeling great, only to end it feeling like a blob. The mirrors and lighting in our work bathroom are horrible. Some days I head in there and buy that drab blech girl who looks back at me, and I think “Where the hell did your eyelashes go? Why did you pick THAT dress to wear?” and other times I say “Fuck you, you ugly lying mirror, I am a Goddess”. Truth be told It’s extremely easy for the insecure side of me to feed into negativity than it is for the confident side of me to feed into positivity most of the time. I’d like to think that what others think of me doesn’t play a role in things, but sometimes that too is bullshit. And that’s what just happened now. A fucking iceberg hit my confidence like the Titanic. Sometimes just the right person will say just the wrong thing, and BOOM, I’m off like a dog at a fireworks show.

I’m not going into the back story here. I’m leaving it at this statement, which is not 100% verbatim, but close enough; “I can’t wait to see a picture of you in a bikini on the deck of that ship….” And my heart sank.

I’ve been short selling myself to this individual. To let them know to please let go what they think I am going to look like. Generally I thought he really picked up on this, but that statement, that pretty much shook me up enough to realize he hasn’t. I believe he thinks that there is still hope in there for him, that I didn’t age into this incredibly gross beast, which is how my lunatic insecure side is painting a portrait of myself right about now.

Secure side of me KNOWS this is insane. Confident Girl in me wants to throttle the insecure side of myself, for a thousand reasons I am not stating right now. WHY am I allowing this person to do this to me? Ahh but see, — it’s not HIM – it’s me. That’s where the real key lies. Why am I allowing MYSELF to do this to me? What is the real problem I ask myself? Is it that I am not good enough for this person? Not pretty enough? Not thin enough? Is everything truly hindering on how absolutely attractive he finds me? Is it that perhaps I will no longer be remembered as so fuckable? Have I really hit that shallow of a depth, or lack thereof that I find my confidence in my fuckability? Realistically no. But when I think too much, when I allow this insecure little pip of a monster that resides inside of me to take the wheel the answer is hell yes! Probably more yes in this particular situation. THIS is how fucked up I am with this particular individual. THIS is where my insecurities come into play, and my confidence, my knowledge that I am an attractive, strong, smart, funny, passionate woman absolutely flies out the window. Because I am now that 17 year old standing in front of you, wanting —- I’m not certain what I want, but rejection isn’t one of them. All at the costs of everything I hold close to me.  My EGO (or lack thereof) is that large. It’s so big that it tells me every single valuable thing I have going for me right now isn’t worth a hill of beans because I am not going to be represented as he recalls me.

These are the reasons that I know sometimes dating is probably not ideally suited for me yet. I want to. I love my friends to death, but I miss that intimacy that I cannot get even from the dearest of friends. I don’t mean just in a sexual manner either, although Lord knows that’s there too. I just miss the closeness, the learning about one another. The giddiness that a new relationship brings, which I  was just posting on so I’ll end this one here and re-continue there ….

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