During this nice little 4-day break from work, I couldn’t help but notice that Cupid is going thru his own peculiar life crisises, as he is placing the strangest circumstances in front me lately.
Look but don’t touch.
Touch but don’t taste.
Taste but don’t feel.
These aren’t meant to be decent comparatives that make sense, because what has been happening makes no sense. It’s been going for a couple of months now, and it’s tantamount to me picking up very signals, very strong ones — that were meant for another species. I’m just barely learning to shake my head and move on. It’s as if any male I may be attracted to has some weird force field that I am both attracted and repelled from.
“Oh You’re interested? That’s wonderful! Me too. I think. Maybe not. Stand over there, and —oh, let me ponder this for a while? I may or may not get back to you on it.”
That’s what comes thru to me.
As for the rest of my romantic world (ala the Online world), I can’t tell if it’s the signals I am sending out to the world, or the signals I am attracting back for myself, but I feel I am
meeting … attracting the same man over and over again.
Because it’s online only, I say that suggests it’s something about my profile. Perhaps it’s my demeanor when I talk with them, that lends itself to encouragement that wouldn’t happen in person.
I recall reading something once about how our own energies are reflected back to us, but I cannot seem to fucking grasp what sort of energy *I* am sending OUT, to get back what I am receiving IN with my words.
First, to be fair, I’ve really not done much with the online thing. I think I simply get bored very easily and find that it’s much more work than it pays, and after about a week or two I barely even answer any of the messages. I did stay in some sort of contact with one of the men I had been talking to; Claus. It’s weird how we fell into this very comfortable little pitter patter of chat, but be it the holidays or his new job, or a dwindling lack of interest on both our parts I think our constant talk has petered down to only exchanging a couple of pleasantries in the past few days, and I’m more than completely okay with that. In fact if his phone fell into a bucket of water and he wasn’t able to retrieve my number to text me again – whispers “I might be okay with that too” . Maybe he is taking an unspoken cue from me, but when push came to shove, I have a feeling we weren’t really puzzle pieces that were going to fit. I am in no shape or manner looking for Little Lord Fauntleroy, but he was just a tad too coarse for me, and I imagine at one point soon, it would have been enough for me to say “No thank you!” and smile and move on. I like my men rugged, but with class. Definitely not uncouth. I sense that with him.
An added issue with him is something I think I keep attracting and that’s where the questionable energy comes into play; Men with job issues.
Let me preface this by saying I am not looking for a man who makes gobs of money (even though my mother continuously told me as a child, “It’s just as easy to love a rich man, as it is a poor one ….”). I don’t care if your job is shoveling coal, or running a fortune 500 company. A hard days work is just that. I like to think I’m pretty far from pretentious behavior. I purposely don’t mention money in my profile, because in my area it can very well be perceived as gold digging. BUT – having a stable job? Having an income that can afford you some travel? How about afford you a drink? (Yes I once met up with someone and bought my own drinks, which was no big deal, except that he didn’t even offer. I found it weird that there wasn’t even that mock fight over the check at the end of the evening.) I’m not stating that every man who has messaged me has no job, or no — issue that prevents work, but seriously? I have met a LOT. The school teacher who was on “leave of absence” – which suspiciously smelled of inappropriate behavior between him and a student. Gone instantaneously. Next was the super nice, super smart guy who had just moved back to town after a lengthy divorce and was trying to get his physical therapy business of the ground, and had no money for lunch. Then came Mr. Sweet Nothings, who really had nothing other than his disposition going for him. He was the one who I had to buy my own drink with. I think I recall he even had to borrow a car to meet me. After him I went off the dating sites for a long time. Now? The last two men I’ve met have questionable career choices. One is Claus himself, and the other is one who messaged me this weekend. I’ll call him The Italian.
The Italian messaged me Friday night and off the bat stated he wasn’t looking for a relationship, just a friend. That was good, because his profile was dangerously thin, and the attraction was “Meh” at best. Not bad, just not anything to set a spark for me. I was bored and responded thinking it would last about four exchanges before one of us called Uncle on dull conversation overriding simple tedium. But things sort of picked up a bit. I didn’t throw one sarcasm bomb his way (which is actually a huge clue of my lack of interest, truth be told), but it was strangely … pleasant. Not earth shattering. Not hilarious. Just simply nice. I was sort of surprised when he messaged me again the next day but our exchange seemed to move a little faster. Finally he asked if I would be interested in meeting for drinks or dinner later this week, and I figured what the heck, why not? I’m just meeting a potential new friend. And then the convo turned to work, and sure enough it’s another one. Not working for XX reason, and used to be XX, but just received a nice inheritance and is doing okay, blah blah blah.
All I could think of was, AGAIN??? —How do I get out of this?, and I realized there really isn’t any way without being rude, and besides he said just friends (which I followed up the next day, to make sure we were on the same page, and he agreed) so what the heck. His old line of work alarmed me as much as his current lack.
Except now, suddenly he really seems to want to be my friend. He texted me yesterday to see if I wanted to do lunch that day (no) and when I explained how I couldn’t, he asked about dinner that night (really, no) and all I can think is who wants or needs a friend that badly. I think friend is code for “If it doesn’t work out I can claim I wasn’t interested anyhow”. He apologized for coming across so strong. He said he hadn’t met anyone as nice as me in a while, and I thought Friends, right?, but thought I shouldn’t beat that point home. Yet.
So – I’m having drinks (and dinner if I want I was told, but I’m thinking maybe no …) and something is telling me it’s a good idea for me to bring my own cash, because one never knows when buzzwords like inheritance might mean something like “you’re buying your own drinks, right?”.
It’s funny how recently real life shows me what I can’t have, and online life shows me what they can’t afford. I think the universe is trying to tell me something, but I always sucked at charades.